Complacency, that moment when you think you got it. This sounds all too familiar to me. Just a couple of weeks ago I was consumed by complacency and self centered thoughts. My ego and disease had taken over and I was on my way to a drug relapse. See what I'm saying? Because I was already in relapse mode. Relapse always starts before the drugs come into play, at least for me this is how it works. So my life was unmanageable because I was consuming myself with work and school. All I was doing was working and going to school; I was not doing anything for myself. I had no self love, in that moment in time I couldn't even tell my girlfriend what one thing was that I did for myself to show myself love. All I had on my mind day and night was “how can I get more”, more money, more fulfillment, more of this feeling that made me feel better about myself.
My girlfriend sat me down and had a long talk with me about her concerns of my behavior and what I was doing to myself and it wasn't until that moment that I even knew that I was being complacent or that my behavior had changed. This is how this disease works it's magic on me. It doesn't need drugs to make my life unmanageable. If I put down drugs, it will use my work. If stop working, it will use school. And if I stop going to school it will use something else. This disease won't stop until I'm dead, it wants my life.
After I finally acknowledged how bad of a place I was in and how unmanageable my life really was, I had to do something different. I started praying for help because I knew I could not do it alone. I began to go to more meetings and started sharing and telling people where I was at and how I felt. I started calling my sponsor and I started little by little to love myself again. I had to put some action behind this so that I could make a change because I can talk about getting up off the couch all day. But if I don't stand up, I'm still sitting on the couch. Actions are loud and words are quiet. At the end of the day what really matters, what I did or what I talked about doing?
I'm still working to find the right balance between being a father, being a good partner, being a student, being an addict in recovery, and basically working two jobs. Let's be honest, none of this is really about being complacent for me. It is about balance. If I find balance it will be much harder for my disease to creep back into my life. I'm writing this for the hope that my experience may help someone else. Maybe they are going through something similar and maybe this will help. Today, I'm going to trust that God has the power to help me and the knowledge to guide me. PLEASE help us in helping another addict in need. We need your help to help others. Buying one shirt could help us save one life. One shirt for one life. Until next time. This is Corey signing out.